Welcome to the Jungle

Last year, I hit the market again after being in a 12 year relationship. The last time I had a date with anyone besides my husband was November 1996. Yep, things were a bit different back then. The big thing then was flirting via pager messages. Me & my last BF used to send cute little codes to each other that could be figured out by looking at the phone....like he would send this to my pager: 6477-8....which meant "miss u".....or 5683-8 meant "love u" That was as techie as we were back then. No FB or cell phones....nothing. It is way different now, but I am a bobber & weaver & learned to deal with the new way.


The most major change in the last 12 years has come in the form of vag prep. It is a whole new scene man. I mean, of course there is prep involved when you are married....I am not an animal, however, you are more willing to let someone see you on your less prepped days when married. But for a first time, GOOD LORD....it seems like it is almost a full time gig.


In talking to my girlfriends, there are not too many options. While discussing full hair removing cream, like Nair, according to "M" it leaves a strong smell that she has noticed while sitting next to her friends. I am not trying to ADD scents, so that is out. In discussing full waxing with "C", she said that the entire area swells up and gets an angry red color for days on end. Plus it causes some nasty ingrown hairs which can lead to infection. I am not going for "angry"...or, to be honest "swollen" and "red"....and let's not even get started on "infection" Nope, these are not pretty mental pictures.


I guess that leaves us where we all began, shaving. That is what I have been doing for years on end, so I guess I will continue. I am not totally satisfied with this option, because....well...I am BLIND.....and wear glasses. You can't wear glasses in the shower...well I guess TECHNICALLY you could, but they are pretty damn useless all steamed up. So, it is pretty much a random attempt at the job. If I really want to get technical, I have to get out of the shower, mid job, and peer into the full length mirror on the outside of my bathroom door. This is not fun at ALL.....it entails me putting on my glasses and quickly looking at my progress in a mad rush before my glasses get steamed up...and freezing.....then jumping back in the shower to try to get the places I remember I saw still needed work.


This is pretty successful, but it takes time......alot of time. I know, it is worth it, but it is not something you want to be doing several time a week. Sometimes, you just gotta roll with the overgrowth. Not MAJOR...just some. Which, I have found to be the PERFECT birth-control. I mean, really, there is NO WAY you are gonna hook up with someone for the first time looking like "Lady Sasquatch". Not even semi. It has to be within the last half a day, or NO BUENO dude.



This leaves me wondering, what do all the single ladies do? I mean REALLY...do they do it fresh several times a week......or do they go with "Jungle P" on the regular? Plus, what do the ladies who wear glasses do? Seriously, how do you do the precision maintenance if you can't see the work station? There is some pretty important stuff there that I really don't want to slice and/or dice.



Since I am a big fan of my "area", I really want to send it out in the world looking it's absolute best. I want it to wow the audience....a quiet hush to fall over the crowd at it's unveiling. But all of this takes immense work and effort. But posting this, I am both looking for help from my girls and letting the guys know how much forethought is put into it. It is hard work looking this good.

What a DOUCHEBAG!

Many people use the term "douchebag" quite a bit. It is a pretty fun one to say, multi syllabic and it drives your point home. But,do most people these days really even know what a douchebag is? Well....I am here to admit...I do.

About 15 years, I had a best friend who I hung out with all of the time. I had a tough home situation going on, so I was living with her and her Mom pretty much full time. So... you can assume I used their shower at least once a day. For some God-awful reason, her Mom was super old school and had an actual douche bag. Hanging in the shower. I don't mean like hanging from the ceiling....it hung from the freakin shower caddy! Plus, it had a rather long coil of tubing that was wrapped around the hook thing most people hang their puffy sponge from.

I have some strange phobias, as do alot of people, but I can not even describe to you the pure fear that would course through my veins at the sight of that thing. It took 100% concentration to ensure I didn't accidentally brush up against it.

After the 2nd or 3rd time seeing it, I finally asked my friend "DUDE, what the hell is the story with that douchebag hanging in the shower???" She then told me that her Mom had always used that thing, that she used it too....and......(I shudder now at the memory)...that I could use it as well.

Well....it was one of the few times in my life I was rendered speechless. I mean, really, what kind of funk factory was I brewing down below that would be helped in any way by nozzle sharing with my friend and her Mom???? I didn't see any way of sanitizing it enough to make it even a remote possibility. There was no blow torch, acidic acid, bleach.. anything really. Plus, I was never a fan, nor did I ever see the use, of shooting a bladder bag full of water up there.

I am not sure whatever happened to that douchebag.....all I know is that I successfully avoided the use of it...and THANKFULLY the accidental arm contact of it while reaching for the shampoo. I do know I will never, ever hear the term "douchebag" without at least a quick flash of memory of that awful thing.